It's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Published on June 9, 2006 By AvantiTexan In Movies & TV & Books
Here are some of my favorite quotes about Jack Bauer, if you any to add, please do! (Note: None of these are AT originals; I found them on various sites online.) Enjoy!

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing him-self until he gave up the location of the keys.

Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the bomb was.

If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.

Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.

Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.

Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.

Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.

Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Jack Bauer can divide by zero.

Jack Bauer once took 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot. That day has since been referred to as Daylight Savings Time.

Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might cause an accident.

Jack Bauer doesn't breathe. The air hides in his lungs for protection.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.

Jack Bauer’s dog put a sign on his fence that read “Beware of Jack.”

Jack Bauer knows where Carmen San Diego is.

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

In Iraq, the U.S. military recently concluded a military offensive utilizing 200 armored ground vehicles and 50 weaponized helicopters in an intense search for terrorists called "OPERATION SWARMER" or, as Jack Bauer calls it, "casual Friday."

Jack Bauer doesn't eat honey, he chews bees.

When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run. But you'll only die tired.

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

There are two things you can always count on: Death and Jack Bauer causing it.

The real reason the Army ditched the Army of One campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.

Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.

MacGyver uses everyday items to save people; Jack Bauer uses everyday items to kill them.

Jack Bauer doesn't lie. He tortures the truth until it admits it is wrong.

Jack Bauer fought Cancer. Now it's safe to smoke.

The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence, parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due to Jack Bauer."

"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer can start a fire using only water.

Deaf people listen to Jack Bauer.

Insurance applications are now required by law to ask: "Are you a friend of Jack Bauer?"

Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in his hand right now.

If you park your car illegally in a handicapped space and Jack Bauer catches you, you won't ever have to park illegally again.

The last time Jack Bauer got angry... Germany surrendered.

You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.

Jack Bauer once climbed Mount Everest. While at the summit, the President called him with an urgent message. He was back at CTU Los Angeles in 15 minutes.

Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.

Jack Bauer doesn't read books, he interrogates them until they give him the information he wants.

Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.

Jack Bauer can eat just one 'Lays' potato chip.

Clark Kent called himself Superman... Only because the name Jack Bauer was already taken.

Jeopardy was a regular quiz show until Jack Bauer told Alex Trebek, "I'll be the one asking questions around here."

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

Jack Bauer cannot stick his elbow in his ear, but he can stick your elbow in your ear.

Comments
on Jun 09, 2006
HAHAHAHA!!!! OMG those are too funny!! Thanks for sharing, although I cant think of any others to top those!
on Jun 09, 2006
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

I really did Laugh Out Loud at this one.

on Jun 09, 2006
Great stuff. The world needs a Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris buddy movie.
on Jun 10, 2006
Nakor
The world needs a Jack Bauer and Churck Norris buddy movie

Somewhat in agreement with you here, but I don't think they should be buddies in the movie. When I was younger I was a huge CN fan. It would be interesting to have CN as a key villian in the next season...

jennybean
HAHAHAHA!!!!

My thougts excatly!

MasonM
I really did Laugh Out Loud at this one

You should have seen me when I was collecting them from the various websites, my wife thought that I was going crazy because I would just burst out laughing every few minutes! (My personal fav is the last one on the list.)